today, on the phone:
Caroline: Dad, one final question. I have a bottle of prosecco that’s sealed with an ordinary cork, instead of a champagne cork, and on the top there’s a label sticker which depicts a double-levered corkscrew, captioned “USE THIS CORKSCREW” and I don’t have one. How do I open this wine?
Jack: I’ve never heard of a sparkling wine packaged like that. I suppose you could use the waiter’s knife you have, or maybe, don’t open it, exchange or throw it away. Get Miller High Life next time, with the pop tab, that’s like the champagne of beers.
Caroline: That’s not true. Maybe I can open it with pliers.
Jack: So are you going to church tomorrow?
Caroline: No, why? I don’t have one yet. 
Jack: I’m going to church tomorrow to usher. I’m also on the vestry, did I tell you I was appointed to the vestry?
Caroline: Yeah, you did tell me that. What happen, did the last guy die or resign?
Jack: He died! Yeah, that guy, he died. He tried to open a bottle of prosecco and didn’t know what he was doing and blew his goddamned head off (laughing) so they appointed me to serve out the last two years of his term
Caroline: Poor guy. He didn’t even get to drink it.