today, on the phone:
Caroline: Dad, one final question. I have a bottle of prosecco that’s sealed with an ordinary cork, instead of a champagne cork, and on the top there’s a label sticker which depicts a double-levered corkscrew, captioned “USE THIS CORKSCREW” and I don’t have one. How do I open this wine?
Jack: I’ve never heard of a sparkling wine packaged like that. I suppose you could use the waiter’s knife you have, or maybe, don’t open it, exchange or throw it away. Get Miller High Life next time, with the pop tab, that’s like the champagne of beers.
Caroline: That’s not true. Maybe I can open it with pliers.
Jack: So are you going to church tomorrow?
Caroline: No, why? I don’t have one yet.
Jack: I’m going to church tomorrow to usher. I’m also on the vestry, did I tell you I was appointed to the vestry?
Caroline: Yeah, you did tell me that. What happen, did the last guy die or resign?
Jack: He died! Yeah, that guy, he died. He tried to open a bottle of prosecco and didn’t know what he was doing and blew his goddamned head off (laughing) so they appointed me to serve out the last two years of his term
Caroline: Poor guy. He didn’t even get to drink it.
Protips for my editors
I wrote out a character in my latet 150-page script today with search&replace. See if you can guess witch one
Check out what I just bought~
It’s a book about making dresses from the Women’s Home Institute, or some such thing, from back when home-making was a soft science like psychology or economics. Sometimes they really don’t make things like they used to. I already have a lot of ideas of what I want to make, and dresses and skirts usually turn out wearable. I’ll tell you how sewing these dresses goes and if modern people can actually do it in an hour.
p.s. if nothing else at least I have my new avatar..
Internet Famous Angry Men 
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