IdleDiletante: Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminist?

"You think you don't know who you are. lol."

“You think you don’t know who you are. lol.”

So today I got my first threat on Twitter. From… a lady clown. Or an “ethical hacker and atheist”, according to her Twitter Bio. But I just have her word on that, whereas I have some incontrovertible proof of clownery in the form of her tweets. She tweeted this to me after I asked her to cite a specific page # from an entire book about lesbian partner violence.

Apparently saying this makes me a “Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminist”, or “TERF” for short. I would swear I’m not and never had been but it would feel McCarthy-ish. I actually had to look up the term.

"This is an amazing statistic to show the lack of a chance of violence for trans women." lol, wut??

“This is an amazing statistic to show the lack of a chance of violence from trans women.”

Wait, what? Maybe I’m missing something here. What is the expression “a lack of a chance of violence from trans women” supposed to mean? That trans ladies need to give us cis folks a retaliatory whuppin’? That the real tragedy is that trans women don’t have the same latitude to commit violence as their (cis)ter womyn? Is that what people think feminists are about, now?

Part of me wants to think she meant “chance of violence” like “chance of showers”, i.e. that violence disproportionately falls on the shoulders of trans people; but that wasn’t what she said. What she said is half-baked and incomprehensible, and couched in this notion that feminists are necessarily trans bullies. As a feminist, this strikes me strange; I just checked my manifesto (it’s printed on the back of the diploma for reference) and it says “trans people are alright”, between 3.) “it’s okay to be gay” and 5.) “gender is a spectrum, not a binary.”

This is standard issue Sarah Lawrence stuff. Wanting parity in violence is not.

Unwanted, Unasked-for Sex Advice from MRAs on “Savage Love”

Well well. It’s been awhile. I’ve been writing a book, don’cha know. Actually, you wouldn’t It’s Top Secret Stuff. Onto today’s topic: The MRA peanut gallery on Savage Love.

I’m a reader of Savage Love. You should be too. Dan has an active commenter base, whose purpose (so to speak) is to provide additional and/or secondary advice to the people who write in. Now, most of these commenters are rational, wise, compassionate people from a variety of ages backgrounds. I’m not going to quote their kind and thoughtful posts.

No, instead, we’re going to have a look at the MRAs of Savage Love, whose asshole advice doesn’t quite spoil the soup, but gives it a distinct shit-taste.

So without further ado, let’s present our first letter. DOMME, a mature (38ish) woman is married to a “Type A Professional” pushing 60, with whom (she says in the comments) she has co-founded a company. To summarize (the letter is long) DOMME’s husband is “disinterested in her pleasure”, believes “A married man ‘should not have to pleasure himself.'”, and whose sexual style the letter-writer describes as ‘rapey.’ Her issue stems from this winner’s aversion to providing her oral sex (or even letting her initiate.); and DOMME’s own interest in having a submissive partner who will provide her with oral sex.

Here’s the advice of MRA #1, a man named “Hunter78”.

"You want to be eaten more? Are you shaven?"

“You want to be eaten more? Are you shaven?”

Ah, yes. Rather than dump this asshole (perhaps during the Clinton administration), Hunter78 thinks the real issue is how bushy DOMME’s cunt is. If only she would shave, Hunter78 laments, then her husband would lick her ’til dawn. Because a woman is always to blame. 

Also, note Hunter’s charming phrase “D-Birds.” Because he uses it often.

"But no one else can fill those 22 yr [sic]"

“But no one else can fill those 22 yr [sic]”

According to Hunter78, the longer a woman stays in an unhappy marriage, the less licence she has to ever leave. And anyone who advises her otherwise is a “D-Bird.” He also feels very strongly that the thing this marriage needs isn’t counseling or a divorce lawyer, but a Brazilian Wax.

"I don't have any hard data, but I do have high expectation that shaved women get eaten more than unshaved." - pulled from the Journal of Hunter78's Ass

“I don’t have any hard data, but I do have high expectation that shaved women get eaten more than unshaved.”

Oh rly? I wonder what makes Hunter believe this; his own stated preference, or the porn he beats off to. And unless he’s been poking around in Grandpa’s sexual history, how could he possibly state that “certainly” more women shave now than they did yesteryear?

This brings me to MRA #2, a delightful fellow by the name of seandr.

"The only thing hair does is get in the way."

“The only thing hair does is get in the way.”

As much as I hate to say it, seandr’s right; hair does get in the way. And it gets in the way for a damn good reason: it helps keep dirt and dust from elsewhere out of the vagina, like eyelashes do for your eyes.

I doubt these men have ever kept their pubes shaved for an extended period of time. I have, and I can say from experience it hurts. To shave your pubis is a fucking production, more so than shaving the legs, armpits, or even the face. The contours of a woman’s labia are not suited to the razor, so cuts are an inevitability. So too are the razor bumps.

But seandr’s not a total douchebag, see? After a backlash from the thread, seandr went on to mansplain:

"Look, all of the unshaven pussies out there are truly lovely. I'm married to a woman of Jewish and Mediterranean descent, however..."

“Look, all of the unshaven pussies out there are truly lovely. I’m married to a woman of Jewish and Mediterranean descent, however…”

Many MRAs are quick to note that they have wives/husbands. I say: pics or it didn’t happen. Apparently seandr never told his wife about trimmers, either.

Some time later, DOMME writes in to answer some questions, notable among which are the fact that her and her husband are co-founders of a certain business; which complicates the option of divorcing him. But of course Hunter78 has another, more profound question:

"curly or none?"

“curly or none?” “I like armpit hair… even though I don’t like bush.”

What? What?! Seriously, how is that relevant?! This feminist demands an answer!

According to Hunter78, the purpose of feminism is to defend a woman’s right to keep her bush looking like Bob Marley’s hair. Please tell me more about this “feminism”, Hunter!


“Who are the Patriarchs?” A: Not Hilary Clinton, dumbass.

In Hunter78’s world view, feminism is a conspiratorial religion between us girls, so we can blame nonexistent patriarchs for our problems, much like other conspiracy theorists would blame “The Jews” or “The Illuminati.” Nor does feminism do anything in Hunter78’s imagination; much like the actual Men’s Rights Movement, it’s just an excuse for us ladies to stitch & bitch. He waxes on (and on) about how “feminism has no theory of beauty”, as if only ugly women “believe” in feminism.

Don’t believe me? Let’s read it from him:

"This is the kind of feminist man-bashing claptrap that makes me despair rational dialog with feminists. Remember malls?"

“This is the kind of feminist man-bashing claptrap that makes me despair rational dialog with feminists. Remember malls?”

Remember… the mall! 

This is why Hunter78 is an MRA. He honestly believes that because women dress the way women usually do, they are somehow choosing to be the sex objects his mind makes them out to be.

Also note the term “painted faces”. Not only is our beauty something we ladies choose to flaunt and taunt Hunter78 with, but his rhetoric suggests that women who wear make-up use it like a mask; that women’s beauty is a falsehood we deliberately use to manipulate jerks like him.

This lost cause has some other gems, in older letters (including an amusing blow-up about his thoughts on sexual harassment laws) but since I don’t want to word-wall my readers like Hunter will, I think I’ll cover those in another post, perhaps over the weekend.

I’ll leave you with one of those weird moments of MRA clarity, from our friend seandr:

Wow, it's almost like he's talking about himself.

Wow, it’s almost like he’s talking about himself.

Me too, seandr. me fucking too.

— Caroline.